It is said that 50% of marriages end in divorce.
Throughout our history, so many souls have spent so much of their lives yearning for love, for the other, the one who’d complete them —although there were no guarantees, although most hearts ended in pieces.
While it’s true that some people do experience the kind of love that feels like living in a dream — for the majority, love feels like standing on shifting sands.
For the last few years, I had been busy working on myself, and on my goals. Relationships came next. Growth never ends, and for me, continuously raising the bar is a standard.
Yet, I have come to a point in my life where the daily efforts over the last eight years started to come together, and build momentum. Out of the results that I have experienced, both materially and spiritually — the desire to share “myself,” and what I accomplished became natural.
King of pentacles.
One funny thing about life is that, when you are ready, know what you want — things happen, events occur, and what you would call “fate” becomes a fact.
I remember the first time I “fell” in love; the butterflies, the hopelessness of whether she’d like me or not, the despair, the constant need to be with the other, and the remaining circus that kept things going.
I must admit it, it made me nostalgic.
But I also remember the first time I ended this relationship because I wasn’t respected.
I remember the other times people I know fell in love. I remember how despite doing so for so many times, they kept calling the next partner “the one.” I remember how after their relationships reached their “culmination,” generally related to sex; how their “love life” turned into boredom and superficialities. And so on.
And now that I have come to this point in my life, feeling ready, knowing what I want — and witnessing fate; seeing how the other person is once again evoking those same feelings I experienced a few years ago — the person that I have become is skeptical; in a good way.
First of all, by incarnating on Earth we inherit normal human instincts, and in this case, the instinct of reproduction.
Whenever we perceive someone as a potential mate, our bodies are flooded with hormones. And these hormones make us idealize the other. They push us to connect more, and more. First it’s a timid thing, then it’s discussions, then it becomes closer with different ways of touching each other, until some day, a baby pops out.
It’s not difficult to seduce one another. We know this language. It comes from very long ago in our history. It lives in our genes. The initial hormone boost encourages us. And the rest happens organically.
However, as I looked into all these hormonal fireworks, and my unconscious biases — I asked myself, is this truly love? Doesn’t it feel a bit selfish? I’ve heard of the “Coup de foudre,” I’ve heard that you could “love” a person in just a look.
But I don’t want to live my life according to others’ concepts. I have a brain for a purpose.
So I looked into these thoughts; these fantasies that distracted me for many days, these wishes of ending up together, these fears that it may not happen.
As I paid attention, I realized that my conception of love comes from my conditioning — the movies I watched throughout my life, the songs I’ve listened to, what my parents told me about it, what my friends experienced, and what we generally perceive as love, as a society.
Going deeper into it, I also noticed that these unconscious processes were maintained together by deeper limiting beliefs; the belief that a person outside myself can complete me, as an example.
Again, these are deeply lodged beliefs in us. They come from our ancestors who needed each other to survive. The Earth, of which we are pieces of, and which is a giant organism of herself, also benefits from our interactions. So you can see a “use” here.
A spirituals however, we are on a journey to clarity, or “enlightenment.”
After our initial indulgence, we are supposed to use the opportunities we have, the experiences we go through — to learn about ourselves, and therefore, learn, plain and simply. As within, so without.
Depending on one another, at least emotionally, is the fastest way to create conflicts in our relationships. We want others to behave according to our expectations. And they want the same. Neither of the person involved respects the free will of the other. And a separation results. And if not, our romantic life is more of a dramatic, and sometimes traumatic one.
Even though we’re flooded with hormones that make us look at life through rose-colored-glasses, after a certain point, the superficial experiences become boring. Our bodies age. Our interactions become mechanical. We are together out of obligation. We read books that promise to spice up our sex life. There is a market for such things because deep inside, living blindly inevitably leads to an unfulfilling life.
Sitting with all these observations, I asked myself next — what then is true love?
Possessiveness, jealousy, some sex, a lot of frustration, being tied to each other because of the kids — this does not seem to be aligned with the higher expression of love which we’ve all experienced at some point in our lives. The type of love that nourishes both ourselves and others. The type of love that gives, that is happy for others, without hidden motives.
If this love is the highest expression of love, divine love, then, as aspects of the divine — we have the possibility to experience love, romantic love included, in a more divine way.
Learning to love.
Although we may notice our conditioning coming up to the surface whenever we meet someone who evokes such strong feelings in us — let’s choose to take our time.
It takes time to know someone. We’re all special, and unique, and full of surprises. Let’s use the opportunity we have been given by the other’s soul, to learn more about ourselves, about what we have in our subconscious mind, about those beliefs that hold us back.
Instead of acting on impulse to fulfill some urges; let’s allow the love that we already are to pass through us, and purify us to newer degrees.
Let’s learn from our interactions with the other. Let’s be ourselves, and not portray what we are not in order to “charm” her. Let’s take our time, just as life does when it creates — a baby, a star, an empire.
Putting aside our conditioning, and learning from direct observation — that is how we learn what it means to love.
And what does it mean to do?
To love means to pay attention, to care. To love means to see the person as she really is, instead of how we would like her to be. To love means to not paint the other with our fantasies. To love means to respect each other’s boundaries. To love means to be independent, full of our own wellbeing, and out of this fullness — to love means to give.
We don’t love the other when we need her. We don’t love the other because without her we feel incomplete. We love when we are generous. When we give. When we always want to give, and proudly receive.
Out of such generosity, we come to truly appreciate, respect and revere the other who has given us the privilege to experience life with her, but also learn crucial life lessons that promote our spiritual growth.
Out of such generosity, the other is given the love she needs to flourish, grow and blossom. Love is the real super-food. We all need it, and we can’t be without it.
Through such exchanges, we both learn to give and to receive. Through each other, life teaches us how important and loved we have always been. And as we accept this truth that we are deserving of love, of being celebrated, of being cherished, and adored — we remember that we have always been this joyous spark of love.
I wish you love.